Well, that’s a lie. I didn’t give up writing for lent, and although it hasn’t been a full 40 days of blogging silence, I do feel like it’s been too long. I feel like I’m breaking some sort of silence. I’m on a type of journey; undergoing the change from working 9-5, to now being a stay at home mom with two young children. I have always worked a 9-5 type job, and this life change has brought on waves of emotions I wasn’t expecting. At times, I’m overjoyed. At other times, I’m depressed. I haven’t been writing. I haven’t been writing because I feel confused about what it is I should be doing. It’s as if I got lost somewhere between 2 months ago and today; like I was on a path, going in a direction, thinking this change was part of the plan, and now that I’m here I feel like I’m lost.
This sense of being lost is scary. The challenges of being a stay at home mom are …. intense. I keep having flash backs of conversations I’ve had over the years with stay at home moms – conversations about their day to day lives, about the difficulty of the job. During these conversations, at best, I was unable to relate; at worst, I just plain did not understand. But here I am, understanding completely. I’m starving for a conversation that doesn’t include the topics of mac n cheese, SpongeBob, or bathroom humor. I feel isolated, and yet I feel like I’m constantly running circles … the to-do list that is constantly growing, a child in need of something else, or a mess that needs to be cleaned. I can’t seem to find one moment to pick up the phone to talk to a friend. I feel guilty for not talking to my friends more. I love the opportunity to be home with my kids, but love it or not, I’m struggling.
It so much more than the busy, the isolation, and the challenges. I’m also struggling to change the way I view myself. I can’t seem to lay a finger on my new role and this bothers me. I like to have a clear vision for my goals, my tasks, and my responsibilities. And I am still working through how each of these things should now look.
Then there is the silence in my writing. So many things have contributed to this … sadly, none of the reasons are a lack of things to say. I just feel lost here as well. Writing with two small children, who are always in need of something, is near impossible for me. Is blogging still helping me? Am I still connecting with others? Is it part of this new role for me? Does it matter either way … does anyone care but me? Probably not. I do still believe that God cares though. I am not doubting His plan for me, or that He has one. I am not doubting that the plan has always been there, and is still in progress. But there are times in your life where you can see so clearly, and you feel confidence in knowing where He is taking you. There are also times that you are just moving forward. Right now, I am just moving forward.
I feel lost without the clarity I possessed throughout the last year. I feel too often like I’m letting others down, doing too little of the right things, and too many of the wrong things. These emotional tugs drag me through depression, and that has never been a fun place for me. I have been praying for clarity to return, and I will continue to seek Him. I’m going to push through my fears of anxious blogging, and keep writing. I’m going to remember back a year ago, and take my own advice to show myself grace. I’m not going to give up. I’m going to move forward. I’m going to seek peace.