I bawled in church today like a little girl who just got her pigtails pulled. Jesus is risen. Happy Easter. Holidays are hard. It’s hard to set out Easter eggs, watch the kid’s excitement in the morning, and not feel overwhelmed that Matt isn’t here to experience it with us. It doesn’t help that I’m wading through my own messy depression, but reflecting on the mourning of Christ’s death just seems so much more understandable after grieving my own loved one.
Since posting last night, four things have happened that have made me decide to change directions in my writing. These occurrences have given me a glimpse of the clarity I have been praying for. The first thing that happened was I listened to a Rob Bell sermon from the 2011 Lent season. I had started on the sermon series about a week ago. When I came to this particular sermon I decided to wait before listening; somehow knowing it was going to have an impact on me. The sermon contents, which did impact me greatly, brought me to the next thing. I realized I wasn’t putting my trust in God as I have before, and I wasn’t doing this because I was being discouraged by lies from something ugly. As far as I know, these are new lies, with a new message, that are being whispered to me … which I suppose is why I had so much trouble identifying them as such. They twisted the truth so that it appeared … well, true. The third thing? Illumination Church this morning. The worship, the resurrection, the sermon, my church family … the whole experience gave me the opportunity to open the flood gates I had been holding back for far too long. And finally, a conversation with my ever gentle and loving Brad that helped me to more clearly state the feelings I was having, and some ideas on where to go from here.
I think where I am headed is to define who I am in Christ. I want descriptive, colorful, and hopeful words on which to look to when the lies are whispered. I’m going to the Bible, and I’m going to find and dig deep into these words. There is solid ground on which to defeat these lies, and by the grace of God, I’m off to find it. I want to lean on my risen Savior this Easter and remember His reply to Satan, when he quoted Deuteronomy out in the desert. Jesus said to him “Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” I am trying to live on bread alone. I love God, I worship God, I look to God for answers, and pray to Him everyday. But when the sunsets on another day I – far too often – think the results will need to come from me. Nothing comes forth from me that isn’t of Christ, and I am making myself available to the Holy Spirit to write this truth on my heart.
I wish you all grace and peace on this beautiful Easter!