So I was laid off from my corporate job today- no apologies are necessary.
These last twelve months have been a roller coaster of changes and adjustments. The people I work(ed) with, in my immediate department, poured out compassion and grace to me every chance they got. And still, I knew deep within me, very soon after Matt’s death, that sitting in that cubicle was not where I was suppose to be anymore. With the mourning, the moving, and the months of ongoing adjustments I made the decision to hold to that job. I knew that the financial stability was smart. I knew my ability to discern whether or not another ‘life changing event’ should be placed on our home simply wasn’t there. Even with all that though, it was a day by day effort. Waking up and getting to a job that had lost all meaning … working for corporate America … and at what cost? The nagging feeling that I was leaving my children behind in order to do so.
It was about a month ago, maybe two, that my heart started truly aching. The desire to step out in faith, to follow God’s calling on my life, and do the thing that most people would view as ‘irresponsible’ or financially risky had reached a point that I felt I was about to crawl right out of my skin. Depression, of a different source this time, was sinking deep down within me. I felt I was letting down my children by needing to hold a 9-5. I felt I was letting down my co-workers, both by the change in my work habits, and my loss of passion. I felt trapped.
Before Christmas the company I work(ed) for had executive level issues, and it was rumored there may be layoffs. With much angst over how it could possibly sound to a manager, I requested that if layoffs were to take place that I would be the one to go. It had been weeks since then and there had been no sign or word that it was ever going to happen. More recently, in the last two weeks, I began to give up hope on that being the tool in which God would use to release me from my old career path. I became frustrated with God … what was worse was I tried to take control – to handle it without surrender. I doubted His ability, or possibly more accurately speaking, His willingness to answer my prayers.
Last night was the ugliest night I’ve experienced in a while. I paced for hours, I wrote feverishly (in private journals never to be seen by the pages of a blog), I prayed, I begged, and I cried. I asked God to show me, tell me, make it known what was the correct path. I confessed to Him. I was honest about my pride, my need to control, my doubt. I went to sleep. I woke up. I went to work. But when I left? I went home with confidence and freedom, the kind only Christ can give.
He is so good. We say that, don’t we … God is good. It’s almost as if no word ever could even come close to encapsulating Him, so we just nod in knowing and say, ‘He is good.” But it’s truth to the core … He has been good to me, so good to me. Even in my doubt, anger, and unfaithfulness He loves me.
I got home and the song How He Loves came on. Those first words almost knocked me to the ground …
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me
Where I had felt alone and angry just hours before I could almost now see his love surrounding me in all my weakness. Jealous to have my faithfulness back – holy and good He bent me like a branch in the wind of his mercy, goodness, and love.