Tags
Adam and Eve, God, premarital sex, purity, sexuality, virginity
My last post got me thinking about a question. A question that I think needs to be answered. A question that I assume, most American’s at least, ask themselves at some point in their lives. A question that I used to ask myself a lot. It’s a question that is asked at that moment when we are first confronted with the notion of our virginity. That question is likely asked repeatedly, possibly for years, and usually up until the day we are married. The question, of course, is ….
Why wait for marriage?
It was my thoughts on Adam and Eve in the garden that got me thinking about this question. In particular, the thought on how a married couple – once their eyes were opened – had such an instantaneous feeling of shame in regards to their sexual nature. They were married and they still felt unsure of one another. And in the case of Adam and Eve, there was no need for shame. They were a faithful couple. They entered marriage as virgins. Likely, they didn’t lust after others … if only because there was no one else to lust after. But still … they felt shame.
The younger generation, our children, those who are still trying to remain pure deserve an answer to their simple, single question in regards to sex before marriage. Why should they wait? There are answers I have heard to this question, of course.
“Because sex is meant to be shared with your spouse”
“Because sex before marriage is a sin”
“Because God’s design for sex was within the contexts of a marriage”
Yes to all of these … but still, why? In the book Unchristian the author tells us that one of the reasons the younger generation is falling away from the church is because they are not being intellectually challenged. I think this topic, this question, is a perfect case in point. The answer that … sex is meant for marriage because that is the way God designed it and to engage in sex outside of marriage is a sin … is demeaning to those asking the question. This answer is the same kind we give our five year old’s when they ask us why they have to brush their teeth … ‘Because I say so’. And, at times, this answer may do the trick – if what you desire is to stop the question from being asked. But the “Why wait?” question, that will be asked repeatedly during an influential time in one’s life, simply cannot be quenched with such a pat answer.
I think we avoid answering the question on a more intellectual level for many reasons. I believe there are many people who haven’t searched for a better answer, people who would rather avoid the possibility of an awkward conversation, and others who lack the experience to know themselves. I’m ready to take a stab at a more in-depth answer. Mine isn’t the “right” answer (if one even exists). Rather, it is my view from where I now stand in Christ, balanced with a retrospection of my past.
My encouragement to you is to attempt to answer it as well. Go ahead and ask yourself the question, then determine the worth and intelligence of your answer. If your children are old enough, ask them to answer the question. Ask your spouse. And trust that there are no correct answers. Our sexual nature is holy, it’s mysterious, and that leaves each of us with some uncertainty. Don’t let uncertainty stop you from trying. The next generation needs our effort on this. I think it’s time that the societal responses to this question stop winning the argument. I think it’s time we set aside our fear of being uncomfortable. I think it’s time to let the Spirit move us to find a better answer.
My response is coming in my next post. I hope to hear answers from you as well. My answer will come from a fallen place, but I know others have answers which come from a different place. Perhaps a place of faithfulness to God’s design for sex. Or a place, not of destructive choices, but in hope found after abuse.
So Adam and Eve were married?
The way I interpret Genesis 2:23-25, I would answer yes … but that is just the way I read it. You think they weren’t? Do the view of them as an unmarried couple influence the way you view sex in the contexts of marriage?
Why wait? Because it is such a special bond that you share with the person to whom you are committed. When you have sex with someone, there is a bond that is formed – physically, emotionally, spiritually. If that bond is broken by a breakup, you are leaving a piece of yourself with that person. A piece of yourself that you can never share with your beloved. A piece that left me feeling broken for many years, even after I entered into marriage. Sex isn’t just a simple physical act of pleasure. It is the glue that binds people to each other.
The way society views marriage is with a big white dress, a formal document, a dinner party, an exchange of rings, and so forth. But, in my mind, a marriage is a commitment to one another for life, before God. He knows our hearts and the motivation behind what we do…He even knows when and how we will be separated from who we marry. In a society where people get married and then divorced months later, or people who stay together their entire lives but never sign a paper or exchange rings. There are even laws for “common-law marriage”, in which neither might agree that they are married. Which determines a marriage? In some countries, the population is so poor that they still “jump the broom” or exchange “dowry”, circle a common land mark 3 times and the like. Is one of the above “more married” than another? In order to answer your question, we must define marriage, not according to society, but according to God. If someone has clearly committed their entire life to another, but has not fulfilled some type of ceremony, is it more or less sinful than someone who has had multiple failed marriages where the wedding ceremony was performed in a church, by a pastor, etc?
Great thoughts here …. my mind is going in lots directions trying to respond
And I agree with you. We can’t (and are not suppose to) judge another’s relationship, only God can see our hearts and know the Truth inside.
I would also add that you bring up another good point about how the pat answers we give on this subject are failing. And at the same time, one of the exact reasons people continue to cling to them. If our youth bring up your point of ‘Who defines a marriage’, layers of uncertainty and grey are added to the conversation … a parent trying to instill the moral of purity might be afraid being truthful about this matter will lead to an excuse for them to engage in sex too early. But fear is no reason to back out of the conversation. And I believe black and white answers will not work with the next generation.
I think the question about sex before marriage is almost always asked from an incomplete understanding of the biblical context. When we put all the pieces together – at least the best we can – it seems to me that the issue ceases to be ‘sex’. Rather, in the Bible’s historical context the most important question to be asked is about ownership/property. If we read ALL the scriptures speaking about sex with ‘property’ issues in mind, we discern a very different pattern. There are many scholarly discussions about this, but the one that I most recently appreciated is in the new book, ‘Confessions of a Bible Thumper’, by Michael Camp.
I like this idea – I’ll check out it further, it isn’t one I’ve come across before.
Would you let me push you a little further though on your answer? If this wasn’t a conversation between us; instead imagine a 17 year old daughter who has told you she plans on having sex with her boyfriend. She doesn’t have time (or the desire) to theorize about all biblical reference’s to sex. And with school, activities, and college applications is unlikely to put a book on her to-do list. She is also saved, has a strong child-like faith, and believes this action isn’t in conflict with her relationship to Christ. When she asks you why she should wait, what then is your answer?
To a 17 year old daughter (or son) I would simply say, ‘sex is a powerful part of human relationships. Yet, like everything else, it can be used to hurt or to build up another person. The most important thing to remember is the Golden Rule – not your parents cultural rules. Whether it is emotional attachment, holding hands, kissing, or sex – do no harm to yourself or to another. This is as much as I can tell you. The application of this is between you and God. You will, like all of us, make mistakes at times, but remember that God has surrounded you with his safety net of grace. Do not be afraid of your sexuality, rather through your whole being – including your sexuality – listen for the Voice of God who will guide you. All things are permissible, yet – as you continue to mature – you will discover which things are not as expedient as others. Finally, remember, whatever your decisions, I am always here for you.”
That is the gist of what I would convey – as I have to my 3 sons (ages 32,30, &14). The most important things I try to remember are: continue to be reconciled with our children – no matter what happens; not to try to play the role of the Spirit – leave them responsible for listening themselves; present very few rules – especially the Golden Rule – too many rules create rebellion and guilt. We often try to over-protect and ended up creating spiritually dysfunctional children. I hope you will enjoy being challenged by Michael Camp’s book.
Thanks for the response. My favorite part … “not to try to play the role of the Spirit – leave them responsible for listening themselves” I’m going to hang on to that advice for my own kids.
I’ve been thinking about your post and pondering your question. There is so much pain in òur world that has come from sex outside of a husband and wife relationship – adultery, rape, sex trafficking, prostitution, teen pregnancy, abortion, and many others. I wonder how different our world would be if we all obeyed what I believe the bible tells us about sex. I recently heard a saying, that obedience comes before understanding – we don’t always know why we are asked to obey, but I think this is one area where obedience now, brings understanding later.